I’m certain that (aside from the green part) this is a fabrication created by Nathan Sr. all of the time and neurons I had put into building it were relevant to the present situation. what’s more the internal map of the city I had built in my feet over a decade was suddenly of use. it was exactly like going on these walks with myself, only I was more of myself and these walks were more of what they were. long lonely walks were my primary coping mechanism for debilitating post traumatic stress and survivor’s guilt. my earliest memories are long lonely walks. before that I’d lived in the part of the sticks that wasn’t connected to the power grid.

and I’d been living there for over ten years at that point, getting around either by walking or by bus. In the end I decided: we would just do what I ordinarily did to build intimacy with myself, which meant taking lots of long walks all over residential seattle. So on those first few early dates with c when she was either driving an hour up north or I was taking the bus two hours down to see her, I was so rattled by the experience of building intimacy with someone else that I couldn’t really think of what we ought to do with each other on our dates. if there's anything you can think of that helped you get through it, please tell me-i dont want to burden or overwhelm you, but i dont know what to do anymore, and like i said, you seem like you've survived a couple of those sorts of droughts and i dont have anyone else to talk to about this i know the only advice you can give is probably 'endure and continue to have self respect', but i dont know how to do that without also becoming small, and sad, and worn out from all the loneliness.

i think you've been lonely like that for a long time, too, and i dont have anyone who understands.

i just want to be able to be kind to someone and treat them with all the love and affection i have, and not have to guard myself at the same time or be afraid of them or feel like i can never be sure with them. i try to bury myself in work and going out as much as i can, but sometimes it hits me, and i dont know how to stand it anymore. i dont want to have to run after ppl begging for the smallest scrap of affection anymore but i keep turning up ppl who, even though they are interested in me and seem generally decent, arent ready to lower their walls and let me in, so its either that or nothing, and im so fucking lonely. Genuine question: how do you stand the loneliness? i'm in my mid 20s and ive never been loved in a way that didnt hurt.

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